Is it me?

I just got back from an evening of drinks and dinner with a group of people - friends of my friend J. J is moving overseas for work and she got together a group of her friends for the evening. A couple of them I'd met before, but most I hadn't. Nothing new there - I don't know that many people here.

Now that I'm home, I just have a weird feeling. Like there's some secret codebook of relevance that I don't have a copy of. Like there's some reason I still feel like I just moved here and know no-one. Canberra's not a big place. One of the girls I met tonight works with the husband of the woman I sit across from at work and knows my friend C in Sydney (who's also in food safety). Her husband works in the agriculture deaprtment on horticulture (fruits/vegs) for christsakes - the same thing I work on, but from the regulatory side. It's not like there are that many people in the food safety community. But even THAT connection doesn't guarantee anything. I'm still left feeling like a lone sock hanging on the clothesline in wintertime.

One of the guys that was out tonight, H, I've known since I moved here. He was so great when I first moved over here, stopping by to take me out to dinner, we'd rent movies together - just hang out. It was really easy. But I haven't had a conversation longer than 5 strained interchanges with him since December. He just stopped coming around and when we do talk - all I get is the "I've been really busy" response to everything. So I've stopped sharing - it's a two-way street. And I haven't seen J since December either - granted, she was on holiday for 7 weeks and then I was in the states - but the few times we've attempted to hook up since she's been back have failed. I just don't get it.

I don't remember it being this tough in Atlanta. I know it was hard, but there's something different about making friends here. I feel like there's this huge-ass wall in the way. When I first meet someone, there's the initial novelty of being American and explaining what I'm doing here. And my asking them about what they do and how long they've been in Canberra and where there're from (no-one's from Canberra). Then it stops. There's that damn wall.

But with J and H I felt like we'd moved past that in December and had gotten to the point where we were able to just hang out and talk about nothing. Every conversation didn't have to be about the new-ness of here or those questions you ask people as you're getting to know them. But now it's back to square one. And I'm flummoxed. Is it me?

Have I lost the ability to small talk? Can I not connect with people anymore? I feel like I'm quiet most of the time in big groups at dinner - it's usually a dinner for someone else and it's not about me. But I know there's more to me than just that initial stuff - how do I get that out there? I keep telling myself to be patient - the friendship will grow, but I don't know what else I can do. I know that I'm a fun person to be around and that I'm a good friend - how can it be that there aren't any like minded people in my life yet? Is being American really that much of a handicap? Is there really such a large divide between Aussies and Americans?

I think there is a fundamental difference in cultures going on here. Aussies appear to be really open - to a certain extent. I feel like at home, when I meet someone that I get on with, it just happens naturally that it evolves into a friendship. Or maybe I have the liberty of time and just don't remember the first year of becoming friends with the people I now feel like I've known forever. But I do think there is something different. I've been hangng out with this guy T, who I met indirectly through one of my ya-yas in San Diego. He's great, and so easy to hang out with. 3, 4 hours will pass - no problem. He's lived over here much longer than I have and a lot of our talk is commiserating about how difficult it is to meet and get to know people here! And while I recognize that that specific conversation is not one I can have with new Aussies that I meet, there's just something more familiar about T that makes it that much easier. It's a relief. I really feel like I don't know what's going on inside the Aussie head sometimes - there's definitely something that I'm missing.