What am I doing here?

This is a question that comes up on a regular basis in the back of my head, especially lately. Now that I've got an apartment that feels a bit like home, and a job that I'm starting to understand and feel like I'm contributing to, my brain is free to tackle the more mundane things like "What am I doing here?"

There are a couple of ways to answer this question.

There's the rote answer... it was a great career opportunity, a great life experience, who wouldn't want to go, etc., etc. All true. But very general.

There's the practical answer... I'm living life. I'm waking up each morning, getting dressed, walking to the bus, getting on the bus, going to work, sitting at my desk, walking back to the bus, going home. I'm cooking meals in an oven where I have to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit so I don't burn (or undercook) my chicken. I'm doing laundry in my new front-loader washing machine. I'm watching Australian TV, slowly but surely getting addicted to Australian Idol. I'm taking morning walks by the lake each morning. Why not runs you ask? I was running, but have recently developed the worst case of patellar tendonitis in both my knees that even walking seems a bit painful. I'm not a fan of getting older. Like my grandma says, "Getting old is not for sissies". To be honest, I think it's all the walking I've been doing, combined with the running that has hurt my knees - I haven't walked this much ever in my life. It's nice to not have a car, although I will be getting a bike soon - there's only so much you can do with a bus pass and your own two feet.

But back to the point at hand....

The real answer to this question is one I'm still trying to figure out. I'm starting to only see this move as my running away. But running away from what??

All I know is that in these 2 years over here I want to find me. That's what I want. I want to stop living for other people, stop dreaming about someone who doesn't exist, and live my life the way I want. This is the best opportunity I could have ever been given to do this - a new place, a new country, a clean slate. The only remnant is me. So I feel like I'm going to go into hiding from the rest of the world for a while, because the Katie that you all know doesn't always feel like the real me. I'm more complex than I could put into words here, and I feel like I pigeon-holed myself in Atlanta into a definition of myself that was only a small part of who I really am. And that's not very satisfying. I want to be me in all aspects of my life, in every dealing with every person. I don't want to worry about other people and their opinions, their judgments. This life is mine and I get to do what I want. Now I just have to figure out what that is.