I'm going to the...

I can't seem to find the word that I like best to excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

For some reason, "the bathroom" seems too, I don't know, dirty?, to say out loud.
"the restroom" sounds too clinical.
"the loo" makes me feel pretentious, like that Friends episode where Monica and Phoebe's friend moves to London and all of a sudden lives in a flat and has a mobile.

Digression: I actually have called my apartment a flat, my roommate a flatmate, and my cell phone a mobile.

Although aparently I pronounce mobile weirdly - I say it without pronouncing the e, like Mobil (the gas (or petrol) station. [Literally every word I use over here has a different Aussie version. It's crazy. At dinner tonight we had a full conversation about the difference between a napkin and a serviette. Apparently a napkin is the fabric version and anything else is a serviette. WHo knew? I thought they were all napkins.]. Saying mobile in two syllables makes me feel even more pretentious than saying loo. (And it's not mobile like Mobile, Alabama, which is yet a third way to pronounce that word.) I fully realize that it's probably impossible to tell the difference when in writing, but try for me. mobile: mobul (Katie's way), mo-bile (Aussie way), or mo-bill (Mobile, Alabama). Get it?

Back to the task at hand - how to say I'm going to the bathroom (although, apparently, when I'm writing, it's most natural to write bathroom, but it doesn't roll of the tounge like it rolls off the fingertips).

"the toliet" sounds dirty to me too. It's an ugly word. Say it 4 tmes and you'll see what I mean.
"the ladies room" makes me feel like I'm 80 years old.
"the facilities" makes me feel like I'm uncomfortable saying where I'm going and as a result I'm trying to be as straightforward as possible.

And, whereas at home it's the women's bathroom, here it's the ladies room. (unless I'm remembering incorrectly.)

Such a dilemma, I tell you.