grumble grumble grumble, mutiny mutiny mutiny

I've just about had it with this week. And it's only Tuesday.

I'm not sure I like being in the big boss' shoes. Not at all sure this move up was the right one for me. What's wrong with the status quo?

Why can't I still be in San Diego - never having moved on from college? Why can't I still be in CA, content to have stayed at Berkeley after my master's? WHy can't I still be in Atlanta (where everyone and their flipping brother are moving to), content to be in the house I bought with my cat and my life?

WHY am I here today?

I know that I feel like this because work is pressure filled and different and scary, and I know that I won't always feel like this. But today I DO feel like this and I really want to crawl under the covers. But, I spent all weekend in bed sleeping - hiding out - so I need to be an adult and deal.

But I don't have to like it.

Just a little niggly feeling....

Winter is here and it's cold and windy.

But, I have a car now! So it's a bit easier to face the cold, rain, and wind from inside my own little bubble. Oh the joy of setting my own temperature! Oh the joy of having my own timetable! Oh the joy of only smelling my own smells! Oh the joy of singing outloud to the radio! I could go on and on... I'll post a picture soon.

I now have no excuse to not go to swim or run training since I can get there in about 20 minutes in the car compared to an hour on the bus - other than the fact that it's 10 degrees, rainy, and windy outside - not really conducive to running around an oval at 6pm, if you ask me.

Work has gone topsy-turvy again, with my boss and my team member being moved in a recent restructure that includes losing our branch head as well. Literally nothing is the same except that I'm still doing my job. A bit unsettling to say the least.

I've been here for 21 months now, with 2 trips home. It's been almost a year since my last trip home last August. I think I'm way overdue for some quality time in the US of A. I've been having twinges each night recently - sometimes just a feeling, sometimes a longer moment... what am I still doing here? Is this right? Is it okay to be happy so far away from home? Is this home now? Am I supposed to go back? Am I supposed to know now what I want to do? I feel guilty about being happy here. Like I've turned my back on my real home and am living an imposter life out here. A life that I like, but an imposter one none the less. My new work contract is through April 2009, so I've got more than enough time to decide what to do at the end of that contract... but I think I need a good couple of months at home. Like one month in CA and one month in Atlanta. I need to re-root (not the aussie 'root'!!!!) and see where my heart says I'm supposed to be.

So, we'll see if I can make that happen.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still feel like I won't be totally settled until I meet someone - that one guy that I seem to be optimistically assuming will be just around the corner. Not necessarily someone here, but since I haven't lived in Atlanta or CA for the last year and a half, odds are NOT very high that I'll meet someone there...so I guess I do mean someone here. I feel like Charlotte York - "I've been dating since I was 15. I'm tired. Where is he???!!!" I know it sounds a bit melodramatic, but it's truly how I feel sometimes. Everything else is ticked off...work, friends, family, sports/outside interests....

HHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMM..............