Frozen

You know how every relationship has a break-up song? Frozen, by Madona (Ray of Light album) is the song for my relationship with my college boyfriend S. Today I was flying back to Canberra from Sydney and heard the song on take-off. Usually I don't bother listening to it, although it certainly doesn't have the impact it did 10 years (!) ago. But this time I listened to it and ruminated. Cause I'm a cow. hehe.

Anyway, I had to laugh as the song started and felt like apologizing to my roommate at the time, saramoon, I think I drove her CRAZY by playing this song as loud as I could, on repeat, in the Camino Ticino house after S left for Germany. I was just out of college, with no idea what I was going to do, trying to find a job, and just a bit bitter. Such a good combination.

Fast forward 10 years... I was sitting on Bondi Beach today, as you do, after my work meeting. The last time I was on Bondi I was chatting with S, on New Year's Day. We hadn't seen each other in more than a few years and it was a bit weird to see him in real life. SOme things were so different, while others were so the same. Today on the beach, as I was digging my toes (and still swollen ankle) into the white sand, I was reflecting. Since S and I broke up, I've certainly moved on, but he has always been in the back of my head, watching the choices I've made, the paths I've chosen. He never did this in real life, but I incorporated him as one of those people (yes, there are people in my head... at least I admit it!) that I sub-conciously needed/wanted approval from.

Now, bear with me... this all comes together... I think...but in the last month I've really started to feel more comfortable in my own skin again, settled in Canberra, and confident again. When I last saw S, I certainly didn't feel that way and I guess I was sort of looking for him to validate my decision to come over here, to be impressed. But it didn't feel right to be looking for that validation from him in real life, and he didn't really even give it. Hearing Frozen today sort of sealed it for me, I've got my own life, that I get to create for me, by me, and at my own pace. And I can see that S, while a friend now, is not a person that gets to weigh in on my decisions, whether he's aware of it or not. S may indeed read this...if you do... I think of all people you'll understand this. I hope. To be honest I'm not sure I do myself, but the bitterness and need to romanticize and pedastal-ize (is that a word?) S is gone.

This is my life. And no-one gets to weigh in on it. And that's a pretty freeing thought.

So now Frozen is just another song and S is what he was and nothing more or less.

And, for the record, Bondi Beach is still flipping gorgeous!