11 months...

So, I'm 4 weeks away from my 1 year anniversary with Canberra and Oz. This Saturday I head back to the states for 4 weeks, to CA for my sister's wedding, and then over to Atlanta to touch base with folks at CDC and my old life.

I gotta be honest, this last year has been one of the roughest of my life.

As I think back, there is so much... but of everything, I cannot believe how quickly it has gone, and how much support I received. Thank god for everyone who emailed me, sent me cards and packages, decided to just reach out and touh base. It's been a pretty dark period, puncuated with rays of light.

[A bit poetic for me, don't you think?]

Ayway, I thought I'd list a few things that have been rolling through my head the last few days

I've hated...
feeling vulnerable for so long
losing my confidence
starting ALL over again, with EVERYTHING
learning a new job
meeting new people
wondering if I'm doing what I "should" be doing
the winter
staying on top of finances here AND in the US
feeling like I've left a great life behind - my house, my cat, my people
walking everywhere and having to rely on bus schedules
old ugly messy buses
going new places alone
missing real conversations
not knowing what words mean ('strewth' [or maybe 'struth'] is a new one I learned recently)
missing my godson's first years (and all the other little ones in my friends' lives) - all I can say is thank goodness for blogs!!!

I've liked...
starting all over again (how often do we get a chance to re-invent? Even if we resist it wholeheartedly, it's still a great opportunity)
learning about myself (with a little help, but mostly through recurrent firestorms)
embracing my melodramatic, my sensitive, my scared, my freaked out, my insecure side
embracing my young self, and learning to listen and take care of her
every few days I think to myself - I live in freaking Australia!!
floating in the oceans (the Indian, the Southern, the Pacific)
sitting on Bondi and Waikiki, having the iconic-ness blazed on my retinas
walking everywhere
new, clean buses that run on time
living a smaller life - 1 grocery store, 1 chemist, 1 bookstore
buying groceries for the week, not the months ahead (in case of an earthquake... or fire... or whatever...)
learning that I need to work out regularly and making it a priority
gaining a broader perspective
figuring out what I like about being from the US of A

I feel like I've been physically and emotionally beat up over the last year. But, like a heavily bottom-weighted bouncy thing (not that I'm heavily-bottomed!!) - I keep righting myself to take it again.

Physically I've gone from a bum knee to a bum back to torn ligaments in my ankle. But they've all recovered, and I'm grateful to be able to run around the soccer field again. And don't even get me started on my skin. It's amazing how closely tied my skin is to my self-esteem. I guess it's not surprising, but when my skin exploded (seriously, that's what happened) my confidence and self-esteem disappeared through the floor. And it's been tough to get it back. But it's coming back.

Emotionally I've run the gamut. I've recognized a lot that I've been holding on to. From San Diego, from Berkeley, from Atlanta. Some of it is worth hanging on to, most had been let go of - not gracefully, per se - but let go of all the same. I've had the chance to realize what and who is important to me. Not just important, but priceless. There are so many people in my life that I absolutely adore. I am so grateful for all the people that are in my life. I feel like I've awakened from a long sleep... much more is clear to me; however, most of it is still obscured, but I have faith in my ability to deal with things as they arrive.

What I'm looking forward to in the US...
the slickness of the ads (no more bargain basement yelling ads)
the amazingnes that is a Super Target (the clean floors, the lights, everything neat and slick, reasonably priced clothes and shoes, fun toiletries)
Trader Joe's and Whole Foods
any sport other than 'footy' (and footy can be rugby union, rugby leauge or AFL)...I want my baseball, basketball (which I've never cared about before!) and my capital F Football. Yep, 'gridiron' is the real football. Well, technically, SOCCER is the real football (make that futbol), but I am an American, Football means only one thing to me. Cute quarterbacks. :)
my family - my sister's getting MARRIED!!!! WooHoo!
my friends
my mom's house
knowing that it would take me 90 minutes to drive 90 miles
getting to drive my truck again
seeing the Golden Gate bridge
flying into Atlanta
going to a Braves game - eating chilli cheese fries with GUSTO. :)
the heat of an Atlanta summer day and evening
DIET DR. PEPPER (heck, even regular Dr. Pepper will do me)
not having to ask for things to be translated
not being asked if I'm Canadian, or Northern American. I'm an AMERICAN, thank you very much.

What I'll miss about Canberra... (I think there are some things I'll miss!)
my soccer teammates, particularly J
my co-worker K
my own space (I'm a bit anxious that I'll be staying in other people's spaces for most of this trip... I'll have to work hard to get my own space every once in a while)

What I'm most excited about in this trip is that I know it's the right time for me to be going home again (even though I've realized that truly, you can't go home again) I'm finally at a place where I can appreciate what CA is to me, what Atlanta is to me, what each person is to me, because I finally feel like I can both hold on to and let go of things at the same time.