T minus 2 days

Holy moley.



I can't tell if I'm being helpful or a pain - it's difficult to gauge how much to be involved/worried - I feel like the questions I'm asking are imporant but I seem to keep stepping on toes. So, I've decided to back off a bit and just do what I'm asked to do. But, no matter what hapens over the next 2 days, Maggie and Jed will be married on Saturday, so it's probably not worth worrying about.

We went to Chevy's with my dad for dinner last night... I could seriously eat those chips and salsa ALL night long if they let me.



The original Chevy's restaurant was opened in Alameda in the early 90s and as a family, we have probably gone to a Chevy's (usually the one in Alameda, but its now closed - sad day) for every single momentous occasion - my 16th birthday, high school graduations, visits home from college, Christmas vacation... those chips, salsa, tortillas, and fajitas are the hallmark of something important happening.

Home again

I'm sitting in my mom's kitchen, on a balmy (it's so nice to be warm again!!!) evening - Maggie and Jed are finalizing the list of RSVPs and Mom is unpacking the dishwasher. It's a big house, but we are all in the kitchen - cause that's what you do. I feel like I have to be in the same room as everyone else - I might miss something!

It's so nice to be back in Alameda. It's all those unspoken things that just feel so right - but I didn't know I was missing. Know what I mean?

We moved into this house in June 1983, and it and this neighborhood haven't changed much. Enough so that it doesn't feel dated, but not enough so that it doesn't feel like a part of me when I'm here. I walked down to the market this evening (for triscuits and pepper jck cheese - YUM!) and just drank in everything. The spot in our neighbor's yard where I 'ran away to' when I was 8 or 9. (I packed a bag and everything, but was home for dinner). The houses that have been added to over the years so that seem to fill up more of the lots than they ever did when I was a kid. The trees that are SO big now - and I remember when they were planted. The elementary school that looks soooo small now. The house where I used to babysit a little boy - remembering the one night I invited my boyfriend over while the parents were still out. The park here we took swimming lessons. It's all still here.

And I've been able to do normal things here - drive the truck, pump the gas, watch a movie on my mom's TV, have a cat to sleep with at night, wash the car. It all just fits.

Granted - there's a little more stress - no, intensity's more the right word, cause it's not really stress (yet) because of the wedding in 5 days, but even that seems okay. At least right now. We'll see how it goes as more family arrives in town and 2pm Saturday gets closer.

The biggest thing I've noticed that's different here from Canberra is how we get in the car for every errand. The Borders is one town, the craft store is at a different mall than the clothe store. Everything is car-based. I walked to the market this afternoon and it was weird - it'd been a while since I'd walked that route. Like since middle school when we walked to school. After high school we drove everywhere. But - the driving's come right back to me - no problem. I even parallel-parked the truck today - like a glove!

Things I've checked off the food list: A real meican burrito in LA. check. A diet Dr. Pepper. (one every day so far). check. Triscuits. check. Pepper jack cheese. check. Real sun tea. check.

Still to do... pizza, lemonade, a real burger. Clothes shopping!!!!

Oh yeah - and a wedding. :)

Why can't I just aparate?????

Why did I think traveling interstate 48 hours before I leave for a month was a good idea?

Just got back from a work meeting in Adelaide and thank god I flew down last night. I can't imagine if I'd flown there this morning and then back tonight. Sheesh. I don't know that I'm cut out to be a jet-setter. Not if I'm expected to actively participate in work meetings all day. It seriously gets in the way of my procrastination time.

And I'm beginning to realize that I'm laboring under the illusion that when I get on the bus to Sydney on Saturday morning, I'm fully expecting to arrive in LA about 4 hours later. But no. I go to Auckland. Then LA. (For mexican food with S!!!) Then to Oakland.

Then to wedding FUN!

Just for fun (?) I'm going to hit the start button on my running watch when I get on the bus in Canberra and not hit stop till I walk into my mom's house in Alameda. Cause that'll be a fun number to look at.

(For the record, I know I'm not the first person to travel around the world like this. And I know I'm just whinging. But you can just live with it, okay?)

11 months...

So, I'm 4 weeks away from my 1 year anniversary with Canberra and Oz. This Saturday I head back to the states for 4 weeks, to CA for my sister's wedding, and then over to Atlanta to touch base with folks at CDC and my old life.

I gotta be honest, this last year has been one of the roughest of my life.

As I think back, there is so much... but of everything, I cannot believe how quickly it has gone, and how much support I received. Thank god for everyone who emailed me, sent me cards and packages, decided to just reach out and touh base. It's been a pretty dark period, puncuated with rays of light.

[A bit poetic for me, don't you think?]

Ayway, I thought I'd list a few things that have been rolling through my head the last few days

I've hated...
feeling vulnerable for so long
losing my confidence
starting ALL over again, with EVERYTHING
learning a new job
meeting new people
wondering if I'm doing what I "should" be doing
the winter
staying on top of finances here AND in the US
feeling like I've left a great life behind - my house, my cat, my people
walking everywhere and having to rely on bus schedules
old ugly messy buses
going new places alone
missing real conversations
not knowing what words mean ('strewth' [or maybe 'struth'] is a new one I learned recently)
missing my godson's first years (and all the other little ones in my friends' lives) - all I can say is thank goodness for blogs!!!

I've liked...
starting all over again (how often do we get a chance to re-invent? Even if we resist it wholeheartedly, it's still a great opportunity)
learning about myself (with a little help, but mostly through recurrent firestorms)
embracing my melodramatic, my sensitive, my scared, my freaked out, my insecure side
embracing my young self, and learning to listen and take care of her
every few days I think to myself - I live in freaking Australia!!
floating in the oceans (the Indian, the Southern, the Pacific)
sitting on Bondi and Waikiki, having the iconic-ness blazed on my retinas
walking everywhere
new, clean buses that run on time
living a smaller life - 1 grocery store, 1 chemist, 1 bookstore
buying groceries for the week, not the months ahead (in case of an earthquake... or fire... or whatever...)
learning that I need to work out regularly and making it a priority
gaining a broader perspective
figuring out what I like about being from the US of A

I feel like I've been physically and emotionally beat up over the last year. But, like a heavily bottom-weighted bouncy thing (not that I'm heavily-bottomed!!) - I keep righting myself to take it again.

Physically I've gone from a bum knee to a bum back to torn ligaments in my ankle. But they've all recovered, and I'm grateful to be able to run around the soccer field again. And don't even get me started on my skin. It's amazing how closely tied my skin is to my self-esteem. I guess it's not surprising, but when my skin exploded (seriously, that's what happened) my confidence and self-esteem disappeared through the floor. And it's been tough to get it back. But it's coming back.

Emotionally I've run the gamut. I've recognized a lot that I've been holding on to. From San Diego, from Berkeley, from Atlanta. Some of it is worth hanging on to, most had been let go of - not gracefully, per se - but let go of all the same. I've had the chance to realize what and who is important to me. Not just important, but priceless. There are so many people in my life that I absolutely adore. I am so grateful for all the people that are in my life. I feel like I've awakened from a long sleep... much more is clear to me; however, most of it is still obscured, but I have faith in my ability to deal with things as they arrive.

What I'm looking forward to in the US...
the slickness of the ads (no more bargain basement yelling ads)
the amazingnes that is a Super Target (the clean floors, the lights, everything neat and slick, reasonably priced clothes and shoes, fun toiletries)
Trader Joe's and Whole Foods
any sport other than 'footy' (and footy can be rugby union, rugby leauge or AFL)...I want my baseball, basketball (which I've never cared about before!) and my capital F Football. Yep, 'gridiron' is the real football. Well, technically, SOCCER is the real football (make that futbol), but I am an American, Football means only one thing to me. Cute quarterbacks. :)
my family - my sister's getting MARRIED!!!! WooHoo!
my friends
my mom's house
knowing that it would take me 90 minutes to drive 90 miles
getting to drive my truck again
seeing the Golden Gate bridge
flying into Atlanta
going to a Braves game - eating chilli cheese fries with GUSTO. :)
the heat of an Atlanta summer day and evening
DIET DR. PEPPER (heck, even regular Dr. Pepper will do me)
not having to ask for things to be translated
not being asked if I'm Canadian, or Northern American. I'm an AMERICAN, thank you very much.

What I'll miss about Canberra... (I think there are some things I'll miss!)
my soccer teammates, particularly J
my co-worker K
my own space (I'm a bit anxious that I'll be staying in other people's spaces for most of this trip... I'll have to work hard to get my own space every once in a while)

What I'm most excited about in this trip is that I know it's the right time for me to be going home again (even though I've realized that truly, you can't go home again) I'm finally at a place where I can appreciate what CA is to me, what Atlanta is to me, what each person is to me, because I finally feel like I can both hold on to and let go of things at the same time.

Some days...

I feel like the cat.

Most days I feel like the mouse.

Love the red meat!

Ever have those days when you just crave red meat? Like a really nicely prepared steak? Or a burger? (preferably from In-N-Out...yummm... can't wait for an In-N-Out burger... 8 days and counting till I'm in CA...okay... getting distracted...) Two nights ago I had a steak, fries and asparagus. I had twice as many fries as aspargus, and the whole steak that I specifically bought larger for the leftover factor. Oh well. I figure the body knows what it wants. There really isn't any food that I crave like I crave red meat.

And, I'm not ashamed to admit that I love a good steak!

Leave me Alone (I'm Lonely)

I've been pretty pissy the last couple of days. Work has been frustrating, and I've just been sort of cranky.

To top it all off, this evening I took the 38 bus home, which I absolutely HATE. There are 2 buses from Kingston to Woden, and for the first 8 months I took the 38 almost exclusively. Then I just couldn't do it anymore. The other one is the 83, and I MUCH prefer it. Both buses take literally the same amount of time to get to Woden, but the 83 always has a new bus, goed through better neighborhoods, and has less scrubby people. The 38 is always an old bus, and tonight I just couldn't take it. And even though I know that they take the same amount of time, I feel like the 38 tediously takes twice as long. It's even more tedious because of the stale alcohol and body odor smells from the bus and my fellow passengers. The 83 never smells. I know that it puts me in a bad mood to ride the 38, so I try as much as possible to avoid it, although it runs much more frequently than the 83, so sometimes I don't have a choice.

Yuck.

It just adds to my general feeling lately - I am desperately lonely sometimes, and feel completely overwhelmed at others. I just want to be with my people at home, where it's easier, where I CAN fill my evenings with people and things to do if I want to. Or stay home alone if I want to. Here I feel like the default is home alone, and as much as I may enjoy it, from time to time it just grates that I can't come up with something else to do, with someone. I realize I have to put some effort in, but sometimes I just don't want to.

I think it's just related to my knowing that I'll be home in 2 weeks. And that I'll be in Atlanta in 3 weeks, and then back here. I'm very excited to come home, but anxious about not being alone, even though I am lonely and missing people. It's a dual thing. And I'm okay with that, but sometimes it's just too much.

I'm definitely connecting much more wth people here, a few girls at work and my soccer team. I love spending time with them, but it's hard when I leave them - I feel really high that I'm with people that get me and like me, but on the other hand they are new people and I realize that they need to augment my life here, not make my life here. Which of course assumes I have my own life here.

Oi.

A face made for radio...

I was on the radio this morning.



My friend hosts a science show on 2XX, Canberra's community radio, called Fuzzy Logic (love the name, huh?). He interviewed me about epidemiology - what it is, how I got into it, what to study if you want to do it.

I really enjoyed the interview, despite having to clear my voice while talking (usually I can talk just fine for hours!!) - I think having a microphone in your face makes your voice run away. Hopefully it doesn't sound too bad.

I think there were 8 people listening, and that includes the 4 people in the studio with us and 3 members of the soccer team. But it was still a bit nerve-wracking!! He recorded the show and it should be on the 2XX website soon. I'll post a link when it's posted, so you can all share in the glory of my voice amplified over the airwaves.

West Wing

How did I miss the boat on West WIng? Where the heck was I?

I've just started the sixth season and seriously, every episode is bringing tears to my eyes and making me proud to be an American.

If only reality were closer to the show.

And when the heck are Donna and Josh going to get together???